The cement between my bones…

The cement between my bones…

My little Taurus feet are stuck in the mud, I am stunted by the cement between the bones of my feet and I remain unmoving, standing in the swamp while my heart yearns for the tides and openness of the ocean. There is no map and my equilibrium is off… This geography is foreign and I am directionless. I am lost. I can smell the ocean, its freedom; but I cannot see the horizon line. I can feel its sprawling landscapes inciting space between my cluttered thoughts. But I cannot move. The only way for me to break down the cement in my feet and step out of the mud is to be here, in it, attentive, uncomfortable and awake. I need to not wrestle with my anger or my despair. Instead I need to wave the flag of surrender inside myself. I need to surrender to the bitter moments to the deep fracture within my heart; I need to own it, to not pretend that I am stronger than this brokenness… I need to be broken.

There is cement between my bones, I am stuck.

There is a residue of my “what if’s” a thick Layer of “why didn’t I” a layer over me as thick as a cloudy night sky. There is undigested anger here in this swamp and an edge of meanness, and ugliness, a seething, spitting, growling, gripping angst, a dense confusion. I am being bitten by my past as I stand unmoving. I let it come, the unsettled stomach, the slaps of deceit, the rolling confusion. I let it pound my body, my mind, my soul, until I am no longer a victim of its grip, I let it come until it seeps out of my tissues, my bones, my heart. I let it take the cobwebs, the tears, the hurt and the confusion with it. I let it take me until I am the hollow bone, shaking, naked and empty. The cement in my tiny Taurus feet is softening, turning back into mud; I pull one foot out with a satisfying pop, the suction a symbolic gesture from the mud that states “you are now free”. I pull the other foot, one tiny step and the other. I leave behind the residue, the familiar struggle, the anger, the ugliness… It is digested, burned, released, for now… My heart is pounding, my sense of direction drawing into focus. My senses heighten. I am the hollow bone, naked and not afraid. Finally, I am walking, towards the Ocean. Am I really free? I am not sure, for now I am just walking towards the tides with more space between my bones

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Ahimsa Yoga