I have had two days of feeling deeply retracted from my worldly responsibilities, like I could just not bare even the simplest request of the world. I can just not show up, apparently even for myself.
For awhile the creepy dark parts of myself shadow over my light and I can feel a kind of density, like a nagging anchor… I’m stuck. The darkness feels like ghosts lurking around from in behind my bones. I can feel these ghosts in my lungs.. they are angry and they irritate me. The cacophony of chatter coming from these shadows is leaning into me and as they get louder my need to to get quieter and stiller amplifies.
The truth is, I can be quite skilled at avoidance, avoiding the uncomfortable, the challenging, the dark sticky messes of life. However, I feel a flicker of softness within this stubborn shell of avoidance. Within a breath or two my spiritual intelligence overrides my human laziness and I am driven to stay a little longer with these sensations and thoughts. If I do not have to be present for anyone but myself right now I can manage this tiny internal crisis.
I set up for my yoga practice, vacuum the carpet, sweep the surrounding hard wood, light a candle, face east, get water, go to the washroom. I witness myself stalling, circling the mat like a cat trying to feel from the right place to land.” What are you waiting for?” my mind chimes in. ” It is quiet, the house is empty, here you are, just begin”
I draw deep breath and reach my arms over my head, there is finally more space in my lungs, tightness dissolves as I breathe out the residue of those nagging shadows, openness is restored and I utter a breathless ” thank you” as I bow forward. As my memory for movement returns I witness my mind say ” slower, sweeter,” I feel a dense tightness, a slight atrophy. ” less ego, more simplicity… SLOWLY ” my mind whispers this time. My heart accepts the request, my mind is trying… breathe, finally my heart and mind catch a wave of rhythm and I regain the familiar pull towards flow. I am remembering what it means to move, to forgive, to release and reset, each reverberation rippling back to the core of my heart which is once again talking to my mind. My whole system sighs to regain this union. Those shadows were dark and heavy and I was forgetting what to feed. Feed the light, the flicker, the glimmer. Stare at the shadows, invite them in, remembering they are only guests in your house, here to deliver a lesson of some sort. Don’t feed them dinner, or make a bed for them, say ” Thank you” and draw the deepest breath you have in you, and exhale all the particles and remnants of dust they leave behind.
Open the window, begin again.